You don’t know what you got till it’s gone…

Today I am going to write about a topic I still struggle with to this day. Having my children taken from me. Me and “prince charming” had two beautiful, amazing, funny, smart children. My son was born a permie ( not from drug use, I never used or was on MAT during my pregnancy’s). My mom works with all kinds of infants from premies to babies with health issues and your normal run of the mill babies. So I felt he was safer and would prosper better living with my mom. My daughter had always lived with me. I ended up losing my only income and my electric was turned off in my apartment, therefore the apartment was condemned ( come to find the apartment also had dangerous wiring and mold as well.) I could not let my daughter be homeless and it was hot outside like in the 90’s. So I got a cheap hotel room on New Castle ave aka “cash Ave”. The area was not very safe and she could not play outside. My brother moved in to the hotel with us because he was using and got kicked out of my Grammys. Now I had two people I love so much depending on me and I can barely care for me. To make money I started escorting, stripping, having “sugar daddies” supporting me. I just want to point out my daughter was never exposed to this part of my life. she would be with my brother in a different room or he would take her to McDonalds. My brother was an addict as well but he is one damn good and never used near my kids even if it meant he was sick. One day my mom had enough and called “prince charming’s” parents and asked if my daughter could stay with them. They picked her up and secretly took guardianship of BOTH my kids. They waited a few months and picked my son up ( ripping him from the only home he ever knew). I was so angry, hurt, and numb that I had not been good enough so I lost control and I was smoking thousands of dollars worth of crack a day. Then one day I woke up and decided to fight for my life. I wanted to show everyone I can do it! I needed to prove to myself I can be a productive mother, daughter, and member of society. I got back on MAT, got help for my depression, and worked a program. After getting some clean time under my belt and working a job for 6 months I filed for a reciend of guardianship. Currently I get to see my kids every other weekend from fri to sun. I am awaiting a hearing to receive total guardianship of both of my kids. I no longer feel the anger or resentment I used to feel. Now I just use those past feelings as motivation to get my kids back home with me for good. I made a promise to my babies that I would never give up on being the best mom I can be!


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